'Jesus said, “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”'
--Matthew 18: 15-20
The great philosopher Homer Simpson once said, “The problem with most relationships is com-munication…too much communication!” This occurs in the season 10 episode I’m with Cupid, and, of course, Homer says this sitting on the couch with a beer, while his wife Marge is scrambling with everyday housework and papers and basically trying to keep the family intact. Homer comments that everyone else's marriage is falling apart except theirs. That's because, as far as Homer is concerned, there are no conflicts or problems because they don't communicate about them. Spoiler alert though, there definitely are conflicts and problems in the Simpson household!
It’s been said by counselors and therapists and pastors countless times that the key to any relation-ship, is communication. One of the things that the Gospel writers set out to do was to lay the groundwork of a Christian ethic for this fledging new thing called the Church. Jesus had come and gone, so as they wrote years after the fact, these communities wanted to give Jesus words that would steer them in ethical and moral directions when it came to being in relationship. In the case of this week's Gospel from Matthew we get the Christian ethic for what to do when conflicts arise.
The key, Jesus says, is communication. When someone in your community offends you – and notice that he doesn’t say if, but when – this is what you are to do. First, go to the person directly and try to settle the issue one-on-one. If that doesn’t work, take a couple of witnesses with you – this is in-keeping with Deuteronomy, chapter 19, you take at least two because just one isn’t reliable. If that doesn’t work, you take the issue to the wider community, maybe to the Vestry or some other council. And finally, even if this effort is unsuccessful, then go all out with the ultra-deluxe package and treat the offender the same as a tax collector or a Gentile; that is, how Jesus treats them, which, of course, means like one of your own kin. This isn’t to say that there are no consequences for their offense – after all, back in chapter 10 of this Gospel he told the apostles that there would be occasions when they’d be wounded so badly that they would have to walk away from a relationship, shaking the dust from their feet – yet compassion and mercy must still remain in the believer’s heart.
Conflict, Jesus makes very clear, is inevitable. It can’t be avoided, and to ignore it is not in-keeping with the Christian ethic. It’s not what Jesus would do. Sorry, Homer. There’s no such thing as too much communication when it comes to conflict, it should be addressed directly. Or, as we might put it in the language of the 1O Commandments: thou shalt not triangulate!
If you are unfamiliar with triangulation, it works something like this:
- Person A has a conflict with Person B.
- Instead of going to that person directly, Person A goes to Person C.
- Person A tells Person C that they have a problem with Person B.
- Person A tells Person C not to let Person A know about their problem, maintaining anonymity.
- Person C tells Person B "some people have a problem" but doesn't elaborate further.
For some of us, though, confronting another feels almost wrong. We don’t want the other person to think we hate them. Even if it’s clear that there is some very not-ok behavior going on, the very perception that we could be “stirring up trouble” or that we won’t be believed causes us to remain silent. But silence, too, is not part of the Christian ethic of conflict resolution. Back in my chaplain days – which we all did before ordination in something called clinical pastoral education – we talked about caring enough to confront. That sounded like an oxymoron to me! To care for someone in a deep, real, meaningful way, does not mean staying silent when there is a problem, and it certainly does not mean letting our own frustration fester to the point of poisoning us.
The goal is restoration, and this, I feel, has been lost on many of us, in our one-on-one relationships all the way up to more systemic ones such as how we treat those in prison. There’s a kind of schadenfruade, a happiness we feel seeing someone get what they deserve. An eye-for-eye, if you will. Yet even the prophet Ezekiel, speaking on behalf of God in one of our other readings for this week and calling out the sins and wickedness he sees – which are a lot - ends his rant by saying that God’s desire is not punishment but that those who have hurt others will turn themselves around, turn back to God. In his letters St. Paul uses a Greek word – metanoia – which we translate as ‘repentance’ but means literally to turn oneself around. Too often we repay pain with pain. The hurt doesn’t get resolved, there is no restoration, because hurt people hurt people. When there is no triangulation, when communication is open and direct, when the goal of car-ing enough about someone to confront them is to restore the relationship, then the cycle of hurt can end, but only when all parties involved understand restoration to be the goal of any conflict.
This model for direct engagement with conflict, with a goal of restoration, is the hope that we have for all relationships – with partners, with families and friends, and our church community It is into this hope that we baptized Max Allyn Jirkiw at St. James' Church this week. He may not have known conflict so far in his precious life, but he will. And as he was made part of the Body of Christ today, this community promised to uphold him in what it means to be part of that Body, to love enough to confront with compassion and mercy, to know that restoration is possible, to remember that he can both forgive and be forgiven. It is a hope we all affirm for ourselves, as well, when we renew our Baptismal Covenant, promising that when – not if – we sin, we repent and return.
In case you’re wondering, Marge does eventually care enough for Homer to confront him in that episode, not with bitterness and pain, but with compassion and mercy and love. And when he hears it Homer doesn’t get defensive, or go pull Bart or Lisa into the triangulation game, he listens. And he realizes what he has done wrong and pledges to do better. Imagine a church that used The Simpsons as a model for how to do relationship, huh?
We may wish we could avoid conflict, but we’re people, and people are fraught. Max will be, if he isn’t already. Life in community would be easy if it weren’t for the people, am I right? But we can’t not be in community, and we can’t not avoid conflict. The focus, then, of any of our conflicts mustn’t be wining an argument but restoration, a return to the community and the source of that community, which of course is God. Relationships are neither loving nor healthy if all parties involved are not open, direct, and honest . May we all care enough to engage any of our conflicts, be they personal, communal, or systemic, with honest communication and an eye toward restoration. That is the Christian ethic, and that is Good News.
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