'Jesus said, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also. And you know the way to the place where I am going.” Thomas said to him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you know me, you will know my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.”
Philip said to him, “Lord, show us the Father, and we will be satisfied.” Jesus said to him, “Have I been with you all this time, Philip, and you still do not know me? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words that I say to you I do not speak on my own; but the Father who dwells in me does his works. Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; but if you do not, then believe me because of the works themselves. Very truly, I tell you, the one who believes in me will also do the works that I do and, in fact, will do greater works than these, because I am going to the Father. I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If in my name you ask me for anything, I will do it.”'
--John 14: 1-14
A long time ago I heard someone describe prayer as a time when we can be totally honest with God. That made sense to me. So I’d find myself throughout the day just talking out loud to God, being honest with whatever was going on in my life. “To be honest, God, I really want this job… …To be To be honest, God, I really need to pass this test honest, God, I can’t understand why you let me get into this mess.” All that seemed fine, so long as God didn’t talk back. Because whenever I applied that kind of total honesty to actual interactions with other people…it didn’t go well. “I’m just being honest,” wasn’t a viable excuse for times when my bluntness came off as arrogance or frustration.
How often have you had that happen to you? When have you come at someone with a genuine, honest desire, only for it to be rebuked, or at the very least not heard the way that you wanted?
This is why I can relate to the apostles, and especially this week to Thomas and Phillip. These two speak to Jesus from a place of total honesty. We find Jesus today giving his last great teaching to the apostles, what we call the Farewell Discourse. He has just washed their feet, Judas has left the group abruptly, and Jesus is just a couple hours away from being arrested in Gethsemane. He’s trying to impart one final lesson to this group, and while he’s in the middle of making his point, Thomas and Phillip let their frustrations show.
Paraphrasing here: "You say we know the way, Jesus, but we don’t. We have no idea where you’re going or how to get there. You talk about seeing the Father, well, if we have met the one you call Father, then tell us where and when? We don’t know what you’re talking about!" Hey, they’re just being honest.
Let me ask y’all something. If someone hit you up with that kind of blunt honesty, how do you think you’d react? Parents, what if your kids did that – or maybe they have! Teachers, what if a student blurted out in frustration that they didn’t know what you were talking about? How do you think you’d respond if you were in that influential, authoritative position? Maybe you would respond with a lot of patience and reassurance. Or maybe not! Maybe you’d hit those frustrations with some of your own. I’ve been there…on both sides.
Yet once again Jesus does not respond from a place of ego, a place of frustration and fed-upness – although, if we’re honest, who would blame him after all the times the apostles miss the mark and don’t understand where he’s coming from. Still, Jesus accepts their misunderstanding. He doesn’t judge them for what they know or don’t know. He meets them in a manner that the world can’t. He does it for them, and he still does it for us, and he gives us an example that we can follow.
Jesus does not lean on our understanding, but rather he invites us to lean on his. It isn’t our trust that will save us in the end, but his trust, not our ability to have faith, but his own faithfulness in us – great is thy faithfulness, remember? Even in the times when we just don’t get it, even when we are so frustrated and come at Jesus with our own brutal, blunt honesty, even when anyone else in his position would knock us down a peg or say, “Who do you think you are?!” he holds it all. That’s how big Jesus is. Big enough to take all of our questions, all of our frustrations, all of the subtle frailties of our human nature that over time would wear someone else down. That is some good news right there! It’s what sustained the community of John’s Gospel in days of confusion and fear, and even for us now it is a balm in the moments when we don’t know what to do, where to go, who to be, or how to understand and trust Jesus.
We are not abandoned to figure things out on our own. We have a friend and Savior who is committed to walking with us, loving us, and even dealing with our most brutally honest moments until the day when all manner of things are made well and revealed to us. In the gap between doubt and faith, confusion and trust, stands Jesus, believing in us as long as it takes for us to believe in him.
Thomas Merton once said in a prayer to God, “I don’t know what I’m doing or where I'm going, but I believe that the desire to please you does, in fact, please you.” The apostles didn’t understand where Jesus was going or how to follow him – and if they, who traveled and lived with him each day for roughly three years couldn’t figure it out, what chance do we have? But that’s the point. We get glimpses, fragments on this side of the Kingdom. Even Saint Paul understood this when he said that we see through a glass dimly right now. And rather than grow frustrated, we can lean into the moments of not knowing. We can be brutally honest with Jesus, yes, and also accept that Jesus’ response might not be in any manner what we were looking for. We don’t have to live with the fear of not knowing. Because Jesus is the Way, even when we don’t know what the way ahead looks like. Jesus is the Truth, even when we don’t know what is true or not anymore. And Jesus is the life, even when we don’t know what real, authentic life means. Our small bucket of faith may not be able to hold much, as Kayla McClurg of the Church of the Savior wrote, but Jesus can take even that and make the impossible a reality.
Maybe you’re like Thomas and utterly confused by what Jesus is doing in your life. Or like Phillip and demanding answers from Jesus to help you figure things out. Maybe all you have is the honest desires of a tired and worn out heart. The good news, the Gospel, is that Jesus will meet you, with whatever you’re holding, and you can give it all to him, and by doing so, you will find your way, your truth, and your life.
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