A Real Christian Relationship

'Jesus said, “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."'

--Matthew 18: 15-17

Before we address this very important piece of Holy Scripture, let's take a moment to hear some words of wisdom about relationships from that great philosopher Homer Simpson:

Too much communication...

There are NEVER conflicts in the Simpson family!  Every other relationship falls apart, but not Homer and Marge.  No sir!  They've got this thing down!  Of course, that's not true, and there certainly are conflicts; in fact, later in the episode Marge will confront Homer to let him know just how wrong he is about communication.  

It’s been said by counselors and therapists and pastors countless times that the key to a relationship, any relationship, is communication.  That goes for your relationship with your partner, your circle of friends, your co-workers, even your church family.  Speaking of the church, one of the things that the Gospel writers set out to do was to lay the groundwork of a Christian ethic for this new fangled church thing. Jesus had come and gone, so as they told the stories of Jesus years after the fact, the communities of Mark, Matthew, Luke, and John attempted to give Jesus words that would steer folks in particular ethical and moral directions.  In the case of the above passage from Matthew, we get the Christian ethic for how to deal with relationships, namely what to do when conflicts arise. 

Contrary to what Homer would say, Jesus makes it clear that the key is communication.  If someone has wronged you, tell them directly.  If that doesn’t work, bring along a couple of witnesses—this connects back to Deuteronomy, chapter 19.  If that doesn’t work, then bring it to the larger community. Even if you can’t get through to the person, even if reconciliation just does not seem possible, you keep talking, you keep communicating, until the matter is solved.  Still, if all else fails, you should treat the other person like a tax collector or Gentile; that is, like Jesus would treat them, not like nearly everyone else would treat them.  Jesus, of course, treated such folks wit compassion and mercy; in fact, Matthew the tax collector was among his apostles, and we saw a few weeks ago how Jesus changed the whole scope of his earthly ministry after an encounter with a Gentile, the Canaanite woman.  The point here is that you must still engage that person with mercy and compassion because that's what Jesus always does.

This is because conflict, as far as Jesus is concerned, cannot be avoided, for it can only be solved through open, honest, and direct communication. To ignore a conflict or to bury it is not part of the Christian ethic.  Jesus does not ask us to ignore conflict because he himself did not ignore it. He engaged with people, like scribes and Pharisees who trapped him all the time.  When he saw what was going on in the Temple he didn't gossip about it to Peter.  Instead, he confronted the folks therein, even making a whip out of cords.  What's more, whenever Jesus saw unacceptable behavior, even among his own apostles, he called them out on it. Unlike Homer Simpson Jesus didn't see communication as a bad thing. He didn't think problems would go away magically if a person just didn't talk about them. He saw communication as the pathway to reconciliation.

It’s easy to hear how this Gospel would work in the context of church matters  since Matthew uses the term “member of the church.”  (As an aside, we must remember that there was no "church" in Jesus' day and that Matthew's efforts here are to lay the ethical groundwork for the church within that particular community.) To be sure, yes, this is how matters within a faith community are to be settled.  If you have a problem with your neighbor, even if that neighbor is your priest, you go and talk to that person directly, rather than gossiping about it or brooding over it so much that it starts to poison you.  Most of the time this action is enough to resolve the matter.  Yet if that doesn't work you are to take along a pair of witnesses, usually from the congregational council, who can help facilitate the resolution.  Still, if that doesn't work then, and only then, do you take it to the council itself.  This is an important model for the church, especially today, for it keeps communities from gossiping, keeps us from brooding over whatever is bugging us, keeps us from poisoning ourselves--for when one is poisoned so is the community at large. 

The Cristian ethic is to sep out in faith and confront someone directly, just as Jesus would. Hiding a grievance or trying to avoid the matter altogether will only lead to more pain and mistrust.  Trying to cover it up will always lead to the truth coming out, thus it is always best to admit the grievance and take that first step toward confronting the other person. In my days as a chaplain we talked about loving enough to confront. For someone like myself, who actively avoids confrontation and tries to please everyone, this seemed paradoxical.  However, it's true. To love someone does not mean staying silent when there is a problem, and it certainly does not mean letting your frustration fester to the point of poisoning you.  To love someone, in any context, means to be able to go to them directly and tell them what's going on.  It's scary, but Jesus is in it, and he'll hold you both.  It works for the church, and it is meant to be applied to all of our relationships. It is, after all, what Marge eventually does, and from their confrontation Homer realizes what he has done wrong and pledges to do better.  Imagine any relationship--a marriage or friendship or church--that is grounded in the kind of love that is strong enough to confront. That’s a relationship that is healthy and helpful for all parties involved.  

Homer was very wise, but he was so very wrong about communication.  You gotta talk!  You gotta be open and honest and love each other enough to confront in healthy ways.  If doesn’t work the first time, you keep on trying, you keep on communicating, and you keep at it from a place of compassion and mercy.  Such a practice will lead to a relationship that will be able to withstand nearly any storm.  You'll have yourself a relationship that is grounded in the ethics and morals of Jesus Christ.  You’ll have yourself a real Christian relationship.